Cow . . . on a Stick

When I was my county's candidate for State Fair Queen back in the last geologic era, I spent a week at the fairgrounds in Sedalia, Missouri, strutting across the stage and reciting my overemoting heart out in the late August heat. Dozens of us flowers of Missouri womanhood competed under a big tent, sweat dripping between our shoulder blades and dust adding a layers to our pancake foundation.

On a rare break, I visited the rest of the fairgrounds. I came to a palace, huge, air-conditioned. After a few days of rehearsing the group dance routine and practicing prancing, it was like finding the oasis in the desert. I sat indoors and gaped at the stadium seats, the walls, the ceiling--and did I mention the air conditioning?

Then I realized--this was the cattle barn. We flowers of womanhood were wilting under a big top, but the cows lived in luxury. Immediately it became clear to me who and what was really important and valuable.

So why, on my rough days, do I look in the mirror and mutter, "Cow!" like it's something bad?

The words in our head have meaning, and power. What are the words you use when you look in the mirror? I recently read the phrase "sex on a stick," referring to a bikini-clad nymph on a beach. I like that one much better than "cow." Maybe that will be one of my resolutions in 2009: I'll use that phrase, at least internally, at least twice a week. Or maybe I'll make the word "cow" my trigger--every time I think or say it, I have to immediately correct myself and replace the bovine word with "sex on a stick" instead.

But if I do, I'm not telling you . . . that's just setting myself up for trouble, isn't it?

What's your word? "Pig". "Fatso". "Lard (ahem) Butt". You have one, don't you? You have a label you use to express your distaste with yourself.

But I'm guessing that it hasn't done you any good. Calling yourself names hasn't made you once ounce thinner. Why not try it my way this year? Why not give yourself a positive label--"Juicy" or "Lush"? Or go all the way and commit to being "Sex on a Stick!" If not now, when?