Handling Your Saboteurs (Part 2 of 2)

Friends and family can undercut your healthy choices. Sometimes their attacks are straightforward—hurtful comments about your character, discipline and size. Sometimes the sabotage is subtle—“You don’t need to go walking—why not come shopping with me instead?” How do you fight back when they are loving you to death?

First of all, forgive them. Nine times out of ten, they care about you and don’t mean to be hurtful or get in the way of your progress. That tenth time? They are fearful and jealous. After all, if you lose weight, you might “change.” You might not be as emotionally dependent or submissive any more. You might become fitter, happier, more attractive than they feel. These insecurities are not your problem to solve.

There are four magic phrases you can incant in almost every situation. For these phrases to work, you must avoid at all costs giving any additional explanation. If your loved one doesn’t respond appropriately, repeat the magic phrase until he gets the point:
“No, thank you.”
Clear, simple, straightforward. You will not eat a second piece of pie. If your aunt insists, say it again. Don’t try to explain that you’re on a diet. She’ll tell you “you look fine!” or “Another piece can’t hurt!” Presto, you’re in the middle of an argument. Stick with “No, thank you.” It’s inarguable.

"I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Use this when you hear negative feedback. If your friend says you’re “uptight” because you won’t take smoking break, you have a reply. This is not an apology, it’s just a statement of fact.

“I appreciate your concern.”
Pull this one out when you get unsolicited advice. Yes, your boss has read three fitness bestsellers and she means well. When you say, “I appreciate your concern,” you are conveying gratitude without agreement. Don’t explain your plan for weight loss—she doesn’t really care. She just wants to be heard.

“I’m going for a walk now.”
When emotions run high you have the right to regroup. When it’s too personal, too painful, too much pressure take ten minutes to yourself—and take care of yourself while you are doing it.

Your path to wellness is personal and private. When you stand firm in the face of the social obstacles, eventually those around you will respect your privacy and admire your progress.

P.S. Sound familiar, Grant County? Regular readers of my column in the Grant County News often get a preview of upcoming columns right here in the Radiant Monday blog!

P.P.S. Grant County: New weight loss classes at the fitness center at DRE are opening now--starting 4/15 and running for the next eight weeks from 4-5p at only $64 for the class. E-mail me if you're interested!

Support or Sabotage? Part 1

Years ago I had a client who weighed 375 pounds. She bit the bullet, began exercise, started eating healthy foods and lost 15 pounds. Then her mother told her she looked “sickly.” I never saw her again. I am upset about her case to this day, but I’m not angry with my client. Her mother, now—well, I’d like a word or two with that woman.

Family, friends and coworkers are supposed to support us. They are supposed to cheer us on when we give up chips for salad. They are supposed to pat us on the back when we forego a trip to the mall for a weekend hike. Instead, they often undercut our progress:

The Second-Honeymooner
A wife decides to lose 45 pounds, and suddenly her husband starts taking her out to eat every night. He tells her she’s beautiful and he loves her just the way she is. It sounds lovely—a real fantasy, right? All this newfound affection ups both her waist size and her blood pressure.

The Smother Mother
She cooks fried chicken on Sundays and all the sides—and heaven help you if you don’t fill or clean your plate. During any a conflict or crisis a deep-dish casserole is, in her opinion, the sure-fire cure.

The Pro Bono Trainer
He’s read every fitness article in the magazine and seen personal trainers on TV. He tells you to lose weight and is chock-full of advice—when to exercise, what pills to take, how much cabbage soup to eat. On the surface, he sounds like a cheerleader, but soon he becomes a nag. Ignore his advice and he gets huffy, hurt and critical.

The Twisted Sister
“There you go saying you’re going to quit smoking again. Why bother? You never stick to anything.” She’s straightforward, at least, in her sabotage. Scornful, dismissive, downright rude. At least you know exactly where you stand.

What is going on with these people? It’s simple: They see you trying to make a change and it scares them. If his wife loses 50 pounds, she might become attractive and confident—and decide she can lose him as well. If your mother shows love through food, then rejecting her food must mean you don’t love her. You are a mirror for the people around you. They think your choices reflect on them. They don’t mean to hurt you (most of the time)—they just don’t understand that your desire to be healthy, happy and confident will benefit them in the long run, too.

Do you have a saboteur in your life (or saboteuse?) Click on the word "comments" on the lower right below and let us know what they do that makes you nuts.

P.S. to Cindy B: What do you think about going "blogging?" Click on "comments" and let me know if my attempts to modernize help or hurt.

Happy New Year (Again)

Spring springs on Wednesday. Robins in the yard. Daffodils in bloom. Bunnies and chicks and eggs and shoots and sunlight, finally and again.

Every year we make our annual plans in the dead of winter, when its dark, cold and our more intelligent mammal neighbors are hunkering down, hibernating and conserving energy. New Year's Day is not naturally intuitive. It doesn't follow the rhythms and cycles of the planet. And for this reason as well as many others, I think most of our newly-minted resolutions are doomed.

But this week, we can begin again. The world is waking up, so why can't we? Instead of berating yourself for a New's Year's resolution gone wrong, think about what little changes you can make now so that by the time winter rolls around again you are ready. How about a six-month resolution? What would you like to see happen with your health and life between now and next Autumnal Equinox (or Halloween if you're just not feeling equinoctal?)

Open up. Stretch out. Wake up. Make a little plan. And share it with me at keri@radiantfitness.com (or just post it as a comment on the blog).

Keri

P.S. Belly Dance 101 is open for registration. Class begins 4/15 and only 11 slots are available (people are registering now!) so sign up today!

What is Maintenance?

At some point, you will reach a healthy weight. Your doctor will say "Good job!" You probably will still be unhappy with what you see in the mirror--critical of stretch marks, cellulite, loose skin, etc. But you'll put on clothes and say, "At least I clean up well."

When you reach this point at which you no longer need to lose weight, what do you do? Does it make you anxious, fearful? After all, losing weight has been an ongoing project for most of us for all of our adult lives.

One solution is, of course, not to reach our target weight. We can eat the fat back on, complain that "diets never work" and "I've tried everything," and continue to live with self-hatred (the enemy we know).

Another solution is to make an active plan for what comes next--and begin enacting it now. You say you're going to travel "once you lose the weight?" It's time to buy an airline ticket. You say you're going to buy new clothes "once you lose the weight?" Go put three sets of "sloppies" in a giveaway bag and plan to purchase a nice pair of well-fitting trousers this weekend. Is your spouse/friend/boss going to love or respect you more once you are thin? Identify one problem with your relationship now and decide if you can take any steps to overcome that problem (because I guarantee you that your weight has nothing to do with it, really).

If you are afraid of the "happily ever after," then let it begin now. That way, when you reach your goal weight you'll already be in the "after" and will have nothing else to fear.

Need a SWOT?

I must confess, I love strategic planning. The cynical (or perhaps insightful) among you might call it "procrastination." I take pleasure, however, in attacking large problems step-by-step (which is usually the only way to do it!)

A SWOT Analysis is a classic planning tool you can apply to your approach to wellness. Take a flip chart--no, wait, a piece of paper! Divide it into quarters and label each corner with S ("Strengths"), W ("Weaknesses"), O ("Opportunities") and T ("Threats"). Now, without thinking about it, just start throwing words into the boxes. Don't analyze yet--just brainstorm.

What are your internal strengths? Do you focus well? Do you get a lot done in the mornings? Are you sociable? Do you work well by yourself?

What about personal weaknesses--do you have low self-esteem? Are you addicted to TV? This is often the hardest corner to fill in.

What opportunities exist in your environment for getting healthy? Does your work sponsor a smoking cessation class? Do you have a perfectly lovely treadmill in your basement?

And finally, what "Threats" to healthy living surround you? Does your spouse fill the pantry with Ho-Hos? Is your neighborhood unsafe for walking?

If you take a close look at who and where you are, you'll find it easier to make a plan that fits. If you work well alone, for example, trying to force yourself to a yoga class might not do any good. Running, on the other hand, might be right up your alley.

So give yourself a good SWOT this week--it might sting a little, but in the long run, you'll be better for it!